Quadruple Pupil

Dreams

2012-02-10T09:15:00.002-05:00

Just had a really long and involved dream.

In the first part (did I wake up in between? was this all one dream? can't remember) I was in charge of one of eight main responsibilities for Matt Chandler's church. We might have been putting on an event; I can't remember. I had volunteered for the responsibility. I think it was setting up or something.

(Part 2, unless this was all one dream) Then I remember being late for the service. I walked in during worship to a huge sanctuary. It looked like a mix between every church I've ever been a part of--the overall structure reminded me of the Senior Citizen's Center, before my first church had a building; the carpeting and chairs were green, like when my first church got a building; the front of the sanctuary reminded me of my current home church, fairly elaborate; and the layout of the congregation reminded me of City Reformed's partial circle, except City Reformed doesn't go that deep, and this church was deep.

I walked up the middle-left aisle to find my parents. Somehow I knew they'd be in the front. Dad was on the left corner of the middle section of chairs, singing. Anna was with him. I don't remember if Caleb was there. I think my mom was involved with the singing somehow. Maybe that's why I knew we'd be in front--because Mom had some responsibilities, like she used to?

The song I remember was Prayer of the Children. Kind of a strange song to be singing in church, but the musical element is fantastic. Simply gorgeous--and I remember taking a seat near the front, on the left column of chairs, a little bit farther back and across the aisle from my family. I was wailing--I typically aim to sing with less than my best technique in church gatherings--on some of the high notes, and then I dropped back down to sing bass. I wish I could remember what I was thinking at the time, but I can't--it somehow involved doctrine? or elders? talking to people? can't remember.

I looked around the room at the congregation. Dang this church was deep. Full of little kids, middle kids, older kids, young adults, young couples, middle couples with children, older couples, solid dudes leading the church--really a mix of every age group. I remember wondering why they were all white. But so many people! I've never been to a church with quite as many as I remember looking out at. There was a really cute little (I'm not sure you can physically be as small as this kid, and be of walking age) kid who was out in the aisle and wandered back to his seat, and the lady on the corner offered her arms to pick him up, but he was actually the son of the person next to her, so he walked by her offer to help. His older brother (looked to be about 10) picked him up and sat him on his lap.

The teaching came from an older-looking guy (so no Matt Chandler) who reminds me now, as I'm thinking about it, of my great-uncle Joshua crossed with Pastor Andy from retreat. He used the Socratic method while teaching--he would pick on people (me) and ask them questions pertaining to what he was talking about. I was looking around the room while he taught (I can't remember if I had taken a seat next to my family by that point, but I don't think I had) and I saw people standing in the aisles with their arms lifted, eyes closed, swaying back and forth, whatever--think of what some people do during singing at concerts or in less conservative denominations. It was impressive to me because these people were this moved before the teaching had really started. Clearly this church body had a reputation for giving and receiving excellent teaching. I specifically remember a girl from back home who I call my sister standing in an aisle, eyes closed, arms out; not to be mean to her, but she (in real life) isn't exactly emotionally moved by Biblical teaching. But who is?

I remember getting excited about what this Joshua/Andy elder/pastor/visiting speaker was going to say when I saw how the congregation responded. His presence was big, and I think he stayed seated while preaching. He was old, I think he was bald, and he had a really weighty presence. Just felt big.

And then I think the dream ended.

2012-02-09T01:08:00.004-05:00

Current homework assignment: research Christians in Japan.

That's how we ROLL baby.

Psalm 139

2012-02-08T02:12:00.003-05:00

Posted some thoughts on Psalm 139 on my Tumblr.

Renewed Mind

2012-02-06T01:48:00.001-05:00

I used to think I didn't have regrets because, I reasoned, "All the things I've gone through were necessary for me to learn what I know and to become who I am." Now I think that's a little immature--I certainly don't think I needed to sin in order to know not to sin. God's discipline has nothing to do with sin and everything to do with his love, which existed independently of my sinfulness.

Now I believe that I have no regrets for one reason--redemption. I wholeheartedly believe that everything that has happened will be redeemed in the end. I believe that in the final account, when God examines my sins and my failures and my treason, I will give glory to God through the death of Jesus Christ. In this way, even my sin cannot, in the final say, be accounted as loss. Every work I do on earth will be perfected by the Spirit for the advance of the kingdom. Every sin I do on earth will be redeemed to righteousness by the life-blood of Jesus Christ. And all these things together will be appraised by the Father, who judges rightly with justice.

Not sure I have much of a Biblical basis for these thoughts, but I think they make more sense than my old ones.

Discipline

2012-02-04T21:43:00.001-05:00

In the sense that I can "control" my thoughts, I can also control my emotions. Emotions are slower and stronger, the tides to the waves of thought. Can I control the tides? To some extent yes! it happens with habits.

I say this because I felt weird all day until I had read from Scripture. I guess in some sense this could be a pride thing, or could turn my time in the Word into an empty false righteousness, but I think it's more just the fruit of perseverance--it gives my emotions much more accuracy. My body is saying, Something is wrong. Something is strange. What's going on. And it's right! I love it.

I am fascinated by God. So good at stuff. Reminds me of my dad.

Weird Thought

2012-01-14T01:05:00.003-05:00

If I adopt kids, technically they could marry each other. My biological kids could marry my adopted kids... or my adopted kids could marry my other adopted kids.

2012-01-13T02:21:00.000-05:00

another thought: God clearly works through the failures of those he later redeems. Jacob lies and has to leave home, and he's a pretty shady character in general. Judah (the kings come from Judah!) enters into the Genesis narrative by selling Joseph for profit. What good is killing him when we can make some money and accomplish the same goal? But it's so obvious in retrospect how God was sovereign! Reuben just happened to not be around. The traders just happened to come by at the same time that Reuben wasn't around. Joseph showed up (and got jumped by the brothers) just at the right time. They wouldn't have even been in Dothan unless they'd moved on from Shechem! and Jacob issued his order to Joseph in the first place at just the right time.

2012-01-13T02:08:00.004-05:00

Reading through Genesis and had a few thoughts, in a row. Mostly preaching to myself here.

First thought--how did these guys pull this off, Abraham and Isaac and Jacob, trying to live by God's commands, without Scripture? It's strange. I thought of this because Jacob's two wives was obviously not a good idea, and yet God never even came close to having that conversation with him. Is God ok with him sinning? I don't think you can play the "he didn't know" card, because isn't that what a conscience (Romans 2:12-16) is for? Did they have really strong consciences back then, or is mine just easily ignorable?

Then I thought--how did they do anything without the Holy Spirit in them? in one sense it would be really cool to have God talking with you, but I think having the Spirit inside me is even cooler. It's like they got powered up for a time, and then the Spirit left. [Technically this is the period of the judges that I'm thinking of--maybe AIJ had the Spirit? there's nothing obvious that I know of that would indicate they did.]

And I was thinking about Jacob, and how the first part of his life didn't seem to indicate like he cared about God, but the second part strongly showed him believing in God. It's so obvious that in one sense, he was chosen from the beginning, and in another sense, there was a point in time where something changed. It's just that the point in time is not really obvious.

Then I thought, we (especially English readers) have a big advantage, because we have the full canon of Scripture. Then I realized that "advantages" aren't really Biblical, but maybe the better way of phrasing it is that we've been given much. (Now I'm looking at Luke 12 and not really sure if I understand it that well.)

Not only do we have the canon, but we have also a horde of evidence in favor of God (and smart people who have written about it), and easy access via the internet. At this point, with all these things, it should be fairly simple to show that sin is the product of an irrational-belief-based disregard of God, which should rightfully be described as hatred of God. Ironically, it seems that Christians are drawn as the ones who base actions in irrational beliefs, disregard God, and hate everyone and everything. And there is some basis for this drawing!

It isn't a big deal to me that Christians get a nice airbrushed image, but if we are actually giving people grounds for our pretty crappy image, then what the heck are we doing? We're supposed to be known for outrageous sacrificial love, ready answers for why we hope, and strength that comes through faith. Instead we're selfish, myopic cowards. Ai yah. This turned into a rant, but it wasn't initially intended like that.

Anyway, my final thought was that, in an age when we (first world, mostly) have the best understanding (so far) of everything about the Bible, and we have the easiest access to the Bible, we seem to actually know the Bible the worst of all time. Worse than Jacob, and Scripture wasn't even invented yet! There is an undisciplined horde of believers who aren't working for Jesus in large part because they are blithely ignorant about what Scripture says. (The other part is that we just don't want to do it.) And this is the theology-loving, Christian-book-reading camp too--reading these books and statements about the Bible does not count as reading the Bible! Good grief. We need some people to be teaching us to observe Jesus' commands. Feels like Hebrews 5:12--we should be teachers, but we can't eat the solid food! and we don't desire the pure milk of the Word.

The Bible is pretty awesome. It's definitely a weight to carry. Jesus is very awesome! and he will be pretty angry when he comes back. Sense of urgency please?

Kids

2012-01-06T02:02:00.001-05:00

The amazing (and semi-terrifying) thing about kids is that, up to a certain age, they actually believe what you tell them. And they will tell other people what you have told them, as if it were fact.

This scares the crap out of me and makes me want to read the Bible more.

Little Dudes

2012-01-05T21:06:00.002-05:00

I just hung out with some small men (under 10 years old) for the past couple hours. Definitely a good use of time. Quote of the day comes from Ryan, who, quite indignant that another small man was talking while Pastor Eric was talking, gave him the ol' what for: "You're wasting our time! Just a heads up."

Nice. Sort of along the lines of, "No disrespect, but you're a moron," or "Hey bro, grow a pair." Quite gentlemanly.

My highlight of the night was this game where they run from one side of the gym to the other, and the helpers (me, my dad, Pastor Eric, this other dad named Craig, and a kid named Jake) throw dodgeballs at them. That's basically the whole game. Don't get hit!

That, or the fact that they turned their "man-builds" (because "crafts" are effeminate), which were supposed to be crosses, into airplanes/guns/airplanes with guns. Pew pew pewwwwww!!!

And they also theoretically learned about how they are lost sheep. *BAAAAAAA*

I'm a fan.

The Parnells : It's not always good days

2011-12-26T17:17:00.000-05:00

Jon Parnell often posts on the DG blog. I stumbled across his wife's blog because he retweeted her (so DG -> Jon Parnell blog -> Jon Parnell twitter -> Jon Parnell's wife's twitter -> Jon Parnell's wife's blog). Anyway, they're young and they have three kids already so that's pretty much right up my alley. The post linked below really applies to much more than that though.

The Parnells : It's not always good days

One of the great joys of God is knowing him a little better. There are moments that I get a stronger sense of him--how much he loves, how strong his power is, how just he acts, and on and on--and in those moments, I'm full of joy. He really didn't have to make himself known. But he broadcasts himself in every good thing. Creation, the law, the prophets, the acts in history, in fellowship, in solitude, and last of all through his own Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

Anyway I thought that she noticed something insightful--that we keep going not because other people have it worse, so we have to do well, but because despite true difficulties, God is still good, and he still cares, and because Jesus persevered to give us life. It's not like I can compare myself to someone who "has it worse" and thank God that my life is "better than theirs". That would be the wrong attitude. What I remember is that I hated God, and yet I was loved for the sake of Jesus, and Jesus passed into death, and came back again, and I too have died and will rise again, and in the interim, I'll pass through any trial to serve him. What a gift.

I Don't Know What's Wrong With My Stomach

2011-12-25T23:37:00.002-05:00

BUT I promise never to make fun of a girl again...w/o feeling bad about it afterward. Does this happen every month?!

To do

2011-12-22T12:21:00.001-05:00

1. BME Lab
2. AP's notebook
3. Read books
4. Be a witness
5. Re-memorize Galatians
6. Arrange music.

Reminders

2011-12-04T00:24:00.001-05:00

I consistently need to be reminded certain things. Really, I need reminders for all good things, but some more than others. Especially:

1. Fixating on the right thing to do is only secondary or tertiary. Primary is fixing eyes on God, who judges the heart.

2. This seems like a cop-out to generalize like this, but it is so true in so many places in my life--fixating on anything/any human is, at best, only secondary or tertiary. Primary is fixing eyes on God, who judges what is right by his own self, sustains all things by his word, and gives everything and every human meaning.

3. I need accountability. (And I love accountability. Sometimes I forget that I love it.)

It's so important to remember that I forget. Remembering that I'm forgetful keeps me humble, knocks down my obsession with arbitrary standards, and produces patience. I need others to remind me, I need the word to remind me, I need life to remind me.

And another good one--everyone is different. People are different. Narcissistically, I think people are like me. Uh duh--they are not.

This is an organizational horror of a post...going to stop now. :P

2011-11-21T05:33:00.001-05:00

I need more tin whistle in my life.

working

2011-11-21T03:44:00.001-05:00

Just me, Elementary Japanese 1 final project, and (Steve) Fee... for now. Next up is probably Paul Baloche. It's I-miss-AP-so-I'll-listen-to-his-favorite-worship-leaders time!

Starting to get itchy

2011-11-15T20:29:00.001-05:00

Probably time to shower soon.

This. Is. CMU.

2011-11-11T10:20:00.001-05:00

Listen. To. This. My word, it's a game-changer.

http://www.thestorycd.com/

Community

2011-11-04T12:36:00.003-04:00

Just really realizing that I have a basic need to put my soul on display for my closest brothers. Like any necessity, without this regular soul-breathing, everything else gets messed up.

Seriously, everything gets messed up, and really, I need this. I've tasted God, and I want more. It's encouraging, that even in the midst of eating a bunch of crap, my heart still longs for my Lord and Master. I was created to need my brothers (and my sisters...but in a different way).

Breathe the free air, my soul! Forgiveness, encouragement, the spark of faith--I need God-given fellowship.

As an aside, you know that something is right when it drives you back to God. So when I have a good conversation with a brother, and afterwards, I find myself seeking God more, then that's good--but if I have a conversation with a brother, and afterwards, I just feel the same, it's time to re-evaluate what I actually need. This is actually pretty widely applicable in my life. If I'm attracted to a girl, the attraction isn't right or wrong; rather, my response is right or wrong. So if when I think about her, I pray to my Father that he would give more of himself, I know that in that part of my life, the Spirit is leading.

(This is why I'm trying to avoid things I know are kind of pointless--because after it's over, I never really sense my heart seeking God more. I know what pointless fellowship looks like, because I've done it so many times. Bleh.)

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy.

To the Ladies

2011-10-23T22:49:00.000-04:00

It's one thing for me to hear that men need respect from Emerson Eggerichs. It's another thing entirely for me to receive unconditional respect.

I went into the bathroom, turned the fan on, locked the door, and started sobbing.

To deeply know that God doesn't think less of me when I fail, to know all he asks is to keep going, to know that he looks at my temporary failure and sees my eternal holiness--all that flooded into me through two dozen words.

Ladies, if you respect us young men, especially when we don't deserve it, it will point us straight back at God, and we will do anything we can to show you we love you.

Selfishness

2011-10-19T09:51:00.001-04:00

Learning about my old self has been less than pleasant. Things from my past, back when I was in elementary, middle, and early high school, have recently come to the forefront as the Spirit continues to oppose the flesh.

Right now I'm learning that I'm extremely self-focused. I set my own schedule, I define my own work habits, and I do what I think would be good. The day has to come now that I throw aside my self-constructed will and give ultimate credence to the will of God. It's obvious what I need to do--love people, accept responsibility, pray for everything, among others--but for so long I didn't give my will over to God.

I think I've consistently underestimated what it means to be a Christian, and this is the most recent step toward rectifying that inaccurate understanding. New goal: every thought given to the Spirit, my brain redeemed.

2011-10-18T14:42:00.003-04:00

Still kind of learning what it means to trust.

For a long time I didn't really care about school. I didn't see God working in that area of my life, but I did see him working in places like JN or fellowships, so I valued those activities to the detriment of my schoolwork. The reason I didn't see him working was because my pride was so big, I didn't allow him any space to work.

Now that I've entered a stage in my life where I actually really care about the work I do (for a variety of reasons), I'm kind of hitting all the baby steps. Trust is a lot easier when you have nothing to trust God for! But obviously that's a lie.

There's much more than schoolwork, though. There's my brother, and my future, and my future wife. There's trust that the things I do are actually worth something, that God doesn't make me run around meaninglessly. There's trust that the people I care about will seek God whole-heartedly, both non-Christian and Christian.

More than anything, I'm learning to trust prayer. I'm learning to trust that it works, that it means something, that God works through it. It seems so silly to be learning this very basic truth now, but God redeems the time! For the first time in my life, I love praying because it strikes a chord deep in my heart, and not for any reasons my mind could discover. I'm not very good at it, but it's such a life-changer! Shocking, to think I be inserted into the flow of God's will throughout history! to think that in prayer, I connect with the great ones who have gone before! to think that in prayer, I look even more like Jesus.

Somewhere

2011-10-14T10:01:00.004-04:00

Somewhere in this world, there's a 20-ish year old Japanese young man who (he's convinced) is going to turn his country to Jesus.

Somewhere else in this world, there's the young woman he's going to marry, who is being prepared by God for this crazy mission.

And here on the east coast of the US, I'm totally psyched to meet them one day and be best friends and fellow laborers until the end.

school

2011-10-12T14:23:00.000-04:00

The more I spiritually "grow" (does this word make sense Biblically?), the more I realize how difficult it is to live always for God.

I'm kind of bothered a little bit right now because I'm not working and I feel like I should be. Nothing is due until Friday, and it's just Japanese, but I'm looking past the immediate future toward my weekend, which is packed, and the work I have to do next week.

That in itself is a pretty significant change in how I look at school--I used to just wing it and not even think about what's coming up. However, this viewpoint is still definitely wrong. What I've learned this week is that I'm ok with failure when I do my best, but I'm not ok with not doing my best, but only because God is my boss and I love him. Not because of anyone telling me I should do my best, not because I know I have goals that involve doing well, but because I love God, because he loves me.

It has to be about this need for God. I need to need God all the time. I can't sit back and think, I've got some time, I've done a lot of work in advance, nor can I think, I should work hard so I can take a break later. There are no breaks, and there are no plans (Luke 12:19). Everything in every moment has to be geared toward God, and that impossible task drives me to God. The instant I downplay God, I turn toward my own gifts (which God mercifully allows me to use even when sinning) because I think I can handle it. Here's my mantra--I can't handle it.

So then, this is how I have to live now. I ask, Is this worthwhile? If yes, then I need God to remind me that I can't do it, because only God can do things that are worthwhile. If no, then I find that which is good, lovely, true--and ask God to do it.

The first part of this week was a big fail in the world's eyes, but a success in God's eyes.

I'm in the family business, because God is my boss.

But right now my head hurts, and I'm a little frustrated at my writing style, so I'm done.

2011-10-12T14:06:00.001-04:00

A while ago I switched my "website" info on fbook to be my tumblr, rather than this blog.

My tumblr has also become much more abstract--I use it mostly (mostly! not always) to read and share interesting posts about God, Scripture, and theology.

This blog, I think, will end up taking the majority of my personal life. Unfortunately, my tumblr doesn't have commenting, so people can't comment on my thoughts, but blogger has comments, so people can comment on my personal life. I'd probably have it the other way around if given a choice.

2011-08-30T23:14:00.003-04:00

When I dropped Document Design and picked up Elementary Japanese I, it was sort of God teaching me, Drop your pride, and pick up humility.

Humility... or humiliation. Japanese is really hard for me.

Good!

2011-07-30T02:10:00.001-04:00

What I'm looking for is a woman who opens her home to the poor, opens her heart to her children, and opens her life to her God.

Clarity

2011-07-28T16:04:00.002-04:00

Ok, so I remember from a while ago--

Not only do I want my home to be a place where racial/cultural/age walls are broken down, I also want to break down barriers between the affluent and the poor. I want to build a section of my house with a bunch of showers, and have a big kitchen (and quite a bit of nonperishable food), and have things like towels and backpacks and whatnot. Not sure about a place to sleep, but basically I want to break down the wall between those with physical blessings and those without, and I don't just want it to be organizations that do this--I want to do it from my home, so that I truly invite people into my own space.

I guess I could do homeless ministry and then invite people back for dinner, but that just doesn't seem the same to me.

Oh, and this does mean that I have embraced the idea of living in a city.

Desires

2011-07-17T23:33:00.002-04:00

When I look at the words "I want", I cringe. Are wants legitimate in God's eyes? How do we distinguish selfish wants from godly wants? God will give us the desires of our hearts as we delight in him. Are my desires born from the joy of my Lord?

Anyway, here's what I, as a 20-year-old on the 17th of July in the year 2011, want:

1. A home with something like 7 to 10 kids of different racial backgrounds. I want to adopt a lot of them, and not all when they're babies. I don't want to simply make them like me--otherwise that pretty much defeats the purpose. I hate infighting in the church. I want to give my children (and other people, I suppose) an object lesson that differences are valuable, not license to gossip.

2. My own research lab. I want to be a Christian presence in academia because it doesn't really seem like there's much of one--or at least, there is very little knowledge on what it looks like. I also really like smashing data together, and I've always been passionate about hearing and the brain.

3. A wife who is stronger where I am weaker, and weaker where I am stronger. I don't think I can predict what my strengths and weaknesses will be whenever I meet her, but I hope expectantly that we'll be able to grow together. [Also, as a given, she'll want what I want. Is that too much to ask from God? I don't think so. I think the idea is that she desires that I also want what she wants. There are a lot of people in the world. God can make at least one who'll fit.]

Anyway, this post probably reads like I'm arrogant, but this is just what I think right now.

2011-07-13T15:02:00.002-04:00

In some ways, I think men have stronger bodies and softer hearts, and women have softer bodies and stronger hearts.

Of course, in comparison to God, we are all weak, but just humor me in this comparison. Obviously I'm a little more attuned to the male side of things than the female, so correct me as needed.

I posted a video on my Tumblr about what I ended up calling "relational resilence". In the same way that men tend to enjoy strengthening their bodies by working out in spite of the pain, I see many women that tend to enjoy strengthening their relationships by working them out in spite of the difficulty.

Also, many men experience a purity in sports. Sometimes, we just want to loosen what society says we should do with our bodies (three-piece suits were clearly not designed for playing soccer) and fly freely, even if we can't achieve all we want. I've seen many women who experience a sense of purity in that mysterious bond they make during things like sleepovers (during elementary/middle school especially), eating lunch (why do women love getting lunch?), and a host of other get-together type of things.

Actually, now that I think about this further, I'm not really sure this is a good comparison to make. Apologies! Youth lends itself to good observation and poor interpretation.

Anyway, I'm sure I was thinking about this for some reason, but I can't remember why. Maybe I was thinking about my own heart.

The Pittsburgh Project (Update 2)

2011-06-20T00:02:00.003-04:00

Week 1 has been completed, and the week 2 campers have arrived. Let's see where we've come:

The complexity of the summer has been demystified a little. I can tell three things:

I need to find a space in my heart, spirit, and mind for God. I have become accustomed to the introverted, let's-hang-out-and-all-go-on-our-computers, CMU culture; needless to say, it is not like that here. I barely even touch my laptop during the week. One night I flipped the backseat of my car down and sprawled out, just to be alone. When I can't physically find silence for God, can my heart, spirit, and mind find that silence? Can I discover an unearthly focus?
Money where the mouth is--I say that I like kids, and I say that Christian culture is weird, but now I have to constantly be around kids, and I have to figure out how to operate in a very Christian environment. I have to confront the hypocrisy and religiousness in my own life, break down the assumptions I make about people, and continue to live radically as Christ lived.
On servanthood: "Live to be forgotten" may be a slightly misguided mantra, but in this time and place of my life, it is very apropos. I want to make much of Christ, and while sometimes that means that I will be remembered, leaving a legacy, at the project it means I must be forgotten. With so many extroverts on staff, I want to be open, listening ears instead of the big talking head. With the extroverted high school subculture, I want to be a quiet and subtle force for what is good and true, instead of a brassy trumpet of my own religiosity. Even on the occasion that I work for homeowners, or in the small day-to-day happenings around the Project, forgotten servanthood will be a challenge that I embrace. It's been a long time coming. My parents have lived to be forgotten since before I was born. As I grow older, I realize that it is my turn to be forgotten, at least for a little while.

Anyway...

Francine is this little old woman who owns a home that some of the kids in my discussion group (week 1) worked on. Apparently Francine thinks that interior painting is a man's job, because she called all my girls "Amazon women" for doing "work that men should be doing". Also, when my co-leader said something Francine thought was out of line, Francine turned to me and said, "Are you going to spank her?", and my co-leader goes, "Yeah Ben, are you going to spank me?!" I died... I just walked away. So awkward but so funny...in retrospect. It was so unexpected that I didn't know how to handle it. That's life, I suppose.

The staff has bonded, especially program staff. Prayer has been arresting my imagination, because every time I stop thinking about prayer, it keeps coming back to the forefront. I've been regularly attending a short evening prayer meeting (and I get to lead it sometimes...lol), I've been called a "prayer warrior" (I seriously need to pray for my disciples more), and our worship song of the summer only was possible through prayer (we were really struggling through it, but then we paused to pray). Sometimes program staff just prays, and it has captured much of my heart and bound us together. Philly 2011 people know this. Prayer is the battle; ministry is the spoils.

One last thing:

I didn't expect to emotionally connect to the kids so quickly. I see them for less than a week--my head says, You won't care in a year. I get to know them, but only barely. I have no idea if what I say gets through. But I love them so much. All my girls have such beautiful spirits, and I want to protect them from all the stupid boys who won't even try to understand them. All my guys have such willing minds, and I want to serve and work hard with them, lending a little bit of my experience and a little bit of my sameness with them.

Thankful Tyler
Athletic Austin
Ingenious Ian
Cool Chris
Mavericks-fan Mitch
Hyper Halston
Crazy/Sassy Cassie
M? Morgan
Accumulating Ashley
Awesome/Amazing Andrea
Super Sydney
Loud Lauren
A? Ava
B? Beth
Exciting Erin
Sweet Sarah

Be who you are, for you are Christ. (John 17:20-21)

The Pittsburgh Project (Update 1)

2011-06-03T14:24:00.003-04:00

I have some time (and have been using said time) until the block party. Almost everyone is working to set up, but I don't have to do anything until food starts at 4. My rationale: very tired, get a nap, recharge, be ready to serve the neighborhood.

This is just an update on me and The Pittsburgh Project.

So The Pittsburgh Project is a Christian organization. In a nutshell, "they rehabilitate houses for urban home owners, do countless mentoring programs, and have an amazing urban farm." (Google User Nate).

I'm in the "do work for houses" sector, but I'm actually not going to be doing the work. I did some yesterday, but my main job will be to facilitate the groups. On Mondays and Tuesdays, I won't do any work on houses, but I'll be at the sites taking video of the kids working. On some other days I might be allowed to work on the houses.

Part of facilitating is getting the kids excited, comfortable, and aware of what they're doing. During the evenings I will lead a group of 20-ish high school or middle school kids in discussions about what they've been working on, about their own lives, and a little about me. I'm kind of like a camp counselor, except the camp is predicated on serving the community.

It's weird. For the service campers, The Pittsburgh Project is sort of like a hybrid between a missions trip and a retreat. For me, not only do I negotiate this weird interface between the organization and the church kids that come in, but I also have to include my own ties to the area. Often I think, I like this place. You can raise a family here. I've visited BKiu and Grace already, and I saw eight or so ACFers (plus Gordon) and a couple IVers as well. It's just complicated. It's a complex summer, and I'm not wise enough to see the results of it.

As for the mundane details:

I'm a little sunburned, but not too badly. I have never been so high off the ground as I was painting yesterday. We worked hard!

The other counselors ("program staff" we call ourselves) are all nice people, and everyone in general is friendly. The ratio of extraverts to introverts is roughly 70-30, I'd say, and I don't think there's anyone on staff who hasn't made a friend or five since we got here a couple days ago. I room with three awesome dudes. Our room is comfortably cool thanks to the amazing weather.

I have gotten lost once so far in my driving adventures. Fortunately, God flipped me around and I got to where I needed to be. I like this city, but getting used to the bridge system is going to be a challenge, and the verticality of the topography is also an interesting factor.

I need hand soap, air freshener, and detergent. I'm borrowing sunscreen from Jeff Brown, a rising sophomore in Calvin College, who apparently has a lot of sunscreen.

I think the couch outside our room is going to become my spot for memorizing Galatians. I'll always remember this place when I recall Galatians. I love life. Let's do it.

EXHAUSTED

2011-06-02T17:59:00.001-04:00

OW.

2011-06-02T00:21:00.001-04:00

Got a chance to talk with Brendan Kiu tonight. This will be a regular thing, we hope--our attempt to stay humble and be encouraged and all that accountability goodness.

I also realized my goals and aspirations are really big for man! but small for God. He can pull them off. Here we go...

2011-05-29T21:55:00.000-04:00

I hope this isn't mono!

2011-05-28T00:00:00.001-04:00

Things that are very hard to explain (with words or otherwise) to outsiders:

Impact of my uncle on my life.
Impact of JN on my life.

Remembering to Remember

2011-05-27T00:59:00.002-04:00

OK, so if I memorize a set of 2 verses n times, then on set number k, here is my procedure:

[k - 1] 10x, no looking
[1:k-1] once, no looking
[k.1] 10x, looking
[k.1] 10x, no looking
[k.2] 10x, looking
[k.2] 10x, no looking
[k] 10x, no looking

And that's how I do it.

Truth in Inmost Parts

2011-05-20T21:57:00.003-04:00

I got something of a flash of God a couple nights ago.

I couldn't sleep, so I started praying for people (because that's the only time I pray for people...when I can't sleep hahahahahah)

*ahem*

I couldn't sleep, so I started praying, but that didn't put me to sleep. Normally prayer knocks me right out hahahahaha

*ahem*

I couldn't sleep, so I started praying, but then I felt like I was getting more awake. I went downstairs and started talking quietly to God, and then it really started feeling like I was talking with God. Images and ideas and concepts flashed across my mind. I'll list a few, but keep in mind--don't let your assumptions cloud how God will accomplish these things. I didn't get to see the how. Just some of the what.

1. I'm going to have lots of kids. My rough number, out of my head, is 10 right now.
2. I'm going to be good at something that requires my brain at close to maximum power. No wasted talents. It looked like my occupation/vocation.
3. I'm going to marry soon, and I'm going to be poorer than I have been. Not poor by the world's standards (which is <$1 a day), but maybe by America's standards.
4. Self-generated sin is going to effectively die. It's wasting my time and it's stupid. GTFO, sin.
5. Some crazy stuff is going to go down, but I don't know what.

I noticed that most of this stuff is just God telling me that my thinking is essentially correct, that what I'm aiming for is pretty much all there. It's hard to convince you through my words, but that night it felt like I was exploding, like suddenly everything mattered again, like my purpose of existence was God-ordained. You go from thinking to deeply knowing, and it makes a big difference.

I'm excited for the future. It's going to be a blast. Strap in, Christian, because once you give up your life, God will give you so much more.

2011-05-19T14:29:00.002-04:00

New Jersey, in many ways, is a place of healing for me.

I consider there to be three main manifestations of sin in the world--embedded in the flesh (James 4:1), present in the world (James 4:4), and empowered in demons (including Satan) (James 4:7).

In NJ, at home, I just don't get that sense of a demonic presence. Maybe it's the green everywhere, maybe my parents beat the crap out of the demons with prayer, but I just don't have that evil feeling. I felt it in Philly, and from time to time I feel it at CMU, but not in NJ, in my house and at my church.

In NJ, at home, the world is distant. My parents have never really reached out to the world as something they want. We don't watch that much TV, we don't spend a lot of money, we live pretty simply (though extremely comfortably compared to like 90% of the world). The world's temptations are not very present.

In NJ, at home, like anywhere, I carry sin in my flesh. My body bears the weight of sin and groans against it. It is here that I truly isolate my own sin. The sin I carry mostly takes the form of lust and non-servanthood (and self-service).

Good to know, good to know. I think retreats are good to show us who we are. A little bit of introspection before the summer. Good times. PTL.

Valedictorian Speech, Senior Year, 2008

2011-05-17T16:54:00.000-04:00

Some of you are thinking, oh boy. Seventeen year old kid is going to talk. Where’s my pillow?

The rest of you are thinking, hey look. The valedictorian is going to talk. He probably has something interesting to say.

So I think I’ll start by thoroughly recounting every single memory from the past four years, including all the inside jokes that only our class will understand, and then, once I hit July, I’ll wrap it up.

This is sort of an awkward position. I’m supposed to tell you all something important, but I have maybe 2% of your life experience. Actually, I’m surprised to be here. My first day at Timothy I kept hearing things like “throw down into the ditch” and “use him as a football”.

I don’t really know why I’m up here, so I’ll blame my parents. Oh. Apparently I’m thanking my parents.

Seriously though, my family, including my extended family, has obviously been a large portion of my life. There’s no way to put my appreciation for them into words.

I remember the last time I was up here. It was 8^th grade graduation, and I was nervous. I think I set a world record for unintelligible words per minute. And for some reason they’re letting me do this again. Since it wasn’t my speaking ability, I’m forced to conclude that I’m up here based on my witty charm and dashing good looks.

Why are you laughing?

Seriously, the reason you laugh is because I’m neither particularly charming nor especially good-looking. What I said about my identity and what the truth is about my identity are two different things. What makes it funny is that I know that too, and I accept it. Conversely, mistaken identity can lead to some strange situations. One day a teacher was out sick with a bad case of germaphobia, and his class had a substitute teacher. A new substitute teacher, who didn’t know the names of the students.

Without thinking the sub handed the class the most destructive thing -- an empty attendance sheet. All students were present, and a new one too. "Who is this Joseph Stalin?"

When you don’t know who people really are, you can have serious problems. But enough about me. Let’s talk about the other people in my class.

From the experiences I’ve had with my 53 classmates, I have a pretty good idea of what everyone is going to be. For instance:

Onyi = a coroner b/c he knows when jokes are dead

Jon A = a mass murderer b/c he kills all the jokes. Sometimes he tortures them after he kills them, at which point Mike Aneson bodily restrains him.

Mike DeFilippo = considering that he’s the leading comedian of our class, he’s the secretary-general of the UN. WE WILL IMPOSE SANCTIONS! Don’t mess with our elite peacekeeping teams!

Okay I’m done. Any more of this and Mike Aneson would run up here and tackle me.

Why am I talking about this?

The class of 2008 is graduating. For those of you who don’t know, this class is amazing. In the yearbook we voted our entire class as the most inseparable group; for the first time in a dozen years or so, we all went on the Dominican missions trip; and no one lost golf cart privileges when we were down there, which is the first time that’s happened, period. And the reason that our class is so close is the same reason I’m not nearly as nervous now as I was back in 8^th grade – we are unified. It’s like Mr. McCaulley’s joke, which he told not a few times: Why did the apostles drive a Honda? Because they were in one accord. That’s our class. We have intense unity, and we take pride in it. Being one is part of our identity.

But it seems to me that too few individuals know their true identity, even while this knowledge is of utmost importance. Why does it matter so much that a person knows who he is? Because what you believe yourself to be is directly related to what you worship. And when I say “worship” I don’t mean singing for fifteen minutes on Sunday morning. I mean being in the service of your god. The Hebrew and Greek words translated as “worship” in English Bibles have different meanings, but all have the same connotation – service, sacrifice, and reverence. “Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.” (Romans 12:1). Mohammed thought that he was the prophet of Allah and he worshiped Allah. Nietzsche thought that he was the prophet of the will to power and he worshiped power. Thousands of traders on the floor of the NYSE think they are simply traders on the floor of the NYSE, and they worship money. People devote their lives – every waking moment, every dream – to what they worship. What you are is defined by what you serve.

My last example – the traders – doesn’t seem that bad. Especially if they take vacations every now and then with their families, and vote consistently, and pick up trash in the park on Saturdays. However, consider that in the light of eternity. Consider that in respect to God. If God is the Creator – which he says he is and which we believe – then there is no person or thing or concept that more deserves our service. There is nothing that I can do that is worth more than having an attitude of reverence toward the Master of all. There is nothing in me so great that I cannot sacrifice it to God.

However not all may worship God. First, God must buy back our identities. “My lips will shout for joy when I sing praises to You; And my soul, which You have redeemed.” Second, with the help that comes only from God, we must reject our former identities and accept God’s version of ourselves. “I delight to do Your will, O my God; Your Law is within my heart. I have proclaimed glad tidings of righteousness in the great congregation.” And then, and only then, may we worship God – “For who may ascend into the hill of the LORD? He who has clean hands and a pure heart.” Before worship comes repentance, and before repentance comes redemption.

In the parable of the talents, the one who ignores his talent, burying it in the ground, is called lazy, wicked, and worthless. Especially considering the fact that the banks were paying out 100% interest. Which is still something that only happens in parables and fairy tales. Why is that? Why is he so vilified by his master? Because he had been entrusted with something not his own and yet failed to actually do anything with it. He had decided to become his own master. The master expected the servants to do as their master would while he was gone; in the same way, God expects me and you to do as he would. God expects us to worship him by using what he has given us. It’s not my prerogative to say, hey, I’m a smart boy, I can ignore what everyone else is saying to me and do my own thing. It’s not in my power to shut my ears to what my teachers and parents and peers have to say. Besides, nobody puts up with an obnoxious kid for long. By the power of UPS, I would probably be living in a shack in greater Mongolia by now if I didn’t learn to listen.

I made a joke about my attractiveness earlier in this speech, and I said that it was funny because I understood the truth about myself. It’s very unfunny – tragic – when people do not realize who they really are. And now I’m going to talk to my class, because I know them well – don’t ever stop searching for the truth. Don’t ever stop using your talents. Don’t ever stop longing for God. You find greatest fulfillment when you do what God has designed for your life, but you’ll never know what you’re supposed to do until you understand who you are. We are graduating. We might not meet each other again. But what will remain is the love we showed to each other. We might not all be saved. What will remain are the seeds we planted. We might not remember all the good experiences. What will remain are the effects of those experiences on us.

Sometimes I wander around Hillsborough, thinking and praying and talking out loud. One time God opened my eyes to something, and I wrote about it. At the time, it didn’t make much sense, because I had just experienced what I was writing about. Why make the pointless effort? But as I go back and read it, I realized that what is essential is not the source material, or the act of writing, or the memory itself. What is indispensible is the sense of wonder that comes from God pulling open your heart and then replacing your priorities with his. Every day I struggle. Will I use my talents to make my own identity? Or will I relinquish my hold on them and let God do what he will?

I urge everyone here, but especially the people in my class, to examine yourself. What is your identity? This is of utmost importance: if you do not find your identity in God, I beg you to lay your self-created identity aside. Because someday that which has been said or done or thought or dreamed or felt will all pass away. And when we hit eternity, I’m going to yell out, TCS 08! Who are we? And in response I want to hear fifty-three other voices, all in unison. And the fifty-three will say five short words.

In Christ, we are one.

Stuff to Do

2011-05-15T23:06:00.003-04:00

In no particular order:

Visit my uncle
Get a car
Figure out scheduling with Fijal, Grace, Aaron, and Joakim
Finish accountability workshop outline
Finish vehicle/transportation stuff for Philly
Finish thank you letter to City Reformed
Maybe talk to Dan Snoke about discipleship
Start talking with Jensen about IFA
Get hair cut by mom (I'm letting her practice on me for Romania missions! my mom is so cool hahaha)
Model JN sweaters (WORK IT BABY)
Visit TCS and apologize for being arrogant
Do stuff with my bro
Do stuff with Talha
Maybe meet up with church people
Definitely meet up with Emily
Figure out what to pack for The Pittsburgh Project
Suggest more worship songs
Arrange music for JN
Figure out verse memorization stuff with Fijal, BKiu, and maybe Aaron and Joakim
Finish listening to Matt Maher's new album
Make plans for the end of summer
Unpack and repack
Philly spur notes!
JN emails!
Keep it real.

Renewal

2011-05-15T23:04:00.003-04:00

I have had amazing conversations with my (biological) brother and sister this weekend.

I am quite the idiot sometimes, but God is faithful. Relationships are clearly too valuable to mess up completely, so God had held them together the whole time.

Pray for Taro.

2011-05-11T23:35:00.000-04:00

Going to say this quietly, because I don't want to boast in myself. If you've been following my little school saga, you know I didn't fail, and actually did decently well.

SIO says I got two letter grades on top of what I thought I would get.

PTL. Mercy upon mercy.

--

For the purposes of full disclosure, I also failed a class that's based on effort. That's sin. I'm sorry, that's just sin in my life. Arrogance, laziness, whatever.

For more disclosure, I failed that class last year too. Seriously. My foolishness is unbelievable.

YEE-UH

2011-05-05T14:42:00.002-04:00

Like I said before, I had to pass the final exam in a class that I had not done ~65% of the homework in order to stay on track with my "plan" of going through signals and onward to grad school.

When I came out, I felt pretty confident, and then talking with a couple other guys, I felt less confident, so I was right where I started--knowing nothing except that Jesus had been right there with me.

Grades came up today.

I needed a 60. I got a 95. Better than a D, I got a C.

You own me, God.

(Also, I must also include a big shoutout to Ben Cowley, whose tutelage and notes helped me extraordinarily.)

And there it is. People might say, why'd you put yourself in that position? You shouldn't celebrate a C. Pardon my French, but that's bull. I'm not going to be sad because I "could've done better." Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

2011-03-29T14:21:00.001-04:00

Installing drivers for the Arduino Uno with Windows7, Vista, or XP:

Plug in your board and wait for Windows to begin it's driver installation process. Â After a few moments, the process will fail, despite its best efforts

Helplessness

2011-03-27T22:35:00.003-04:00

There's a unique sense of helplessness when I can't 1) hold down any nutritious substance, including Gatorade, 2) can't hold onto my water, instead passing it right through, and 3) being semi-unable to control either my stomach or bowels.

I'm hungry, dehydrated, and constantly in the bathroom.

This has been one heck of a day.

EDIT: I can't even use grammar. What happened in that first paragraph?!

Proverbs 15:1

2011-03-22T02:05:00.003-04:00

(NASB) "A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger."

Look at "gentle" and "harsh".

I'm particularly struck by the idea of labor and hardship being associated with "harsh". If my words cause people to feel like they have to labor, or that it's a hardship to listen to me, it can stir up serious anger.

And "gentle" has a connotation of weakness. Maybe it's that true vulnerability and listening makes us weak to each other.

It's hard to be angry at someone who's honest--and clear, not deluded or confused--with you about their problems.

That's all

2011-03-14T16:10:00.003-04:00

After Tuesday night, I stopped journaling. I got mega-sick and just crashed. Wednesday and Thursday were sickdays, and Friday was a sleep night because we had to get up at 5 am to get home.

What I learned through my sickness is that I don't have to be "useful" to be used by God. Even in my physical weakness, God was showing me that my brothers and sisters can do the work as well. Big change from last year, where God showed me that I am useless to him until I let him work in me.

2011-03-14T16:09:00.000-04:00

day 3 (Tuesday)

Tired. We didn’t hit the wall though! I was really thinking that today would be a “Now what?” kind of day, in response to the overflow of the night previous. And God be praised, he allowed me to think of it and pray for it, and the team and I responded. Though it was initially very difficult, we pushed through and made it to the other side. Everything today was a battle. But we relied mostly on God’s strength, and He honored us.

Prayer walked around the western side of Kensington. As a leader, I need to issue more clarity and focus. To do this, it is helpful to speak to specific people, and set things up ahead of time. But God filled in the gaps.

People keep saying to be more thankful and have gratitude (not in those words, more like, “Stop making faces” and “Be gentler”)—basically, you don’t have to reveal everything. Self-control and gentleness is a part of the fruit of the Holy Spirit.

I hope tomorrow is a restful day, and that Coffeehouse is productive as we prepare for Thursday. I also think I need to talk with [ ]. Dunno what to do about that situation except offer it up.

Talking about demonic influences in subteam was helpful. I really think we’re all close to the same realization about our need to take what we learn here back to CMU.

Outreach was Kensington again, a little unexpectedly. I pray the gospel is spoken through us.

Oh, and Benoît said, “I’m not usually like that. I usually have to always be right, but for some reason I am not always trying to be right”, in response to me saying that I was encouraged that our discussions never really turned into arguments, and that we learned from each other’s point of view. [Is there any doubt that God is protecting us on this trip?]

2011-03-14T16:08:00.000-04:00

Day 2.

WHOA.

Slow start to the day. Prayed for everyone individually. No issues with Katie. Led worship. “Cleaned” sort of, in the lower rooms of the building. Bought ramen (that was lol).

Prayer walked in a non-normal way—just went down Hagert and prayed in areas. It was cool. Kind of set the tone of prayer—that there are real issues, and that God hears when we pray about those very real issues.

Then playground. Saw some familiar faces. Got to play djembe.

Then dinner, then outreach.

Oh my.

I ended up switching with Jason, b/c I didn’t feel up to the task of keeping track of four girls. It was great because I definitely sense that Jason’s getting something back that was missing. Feels more like normal Jason. Resolution, perhaps? [Edit: Maybe no complete resolution, but at least a personal resolution.]

We prayed for some people, but really didn’t get super far with anyone. Just the massive deathly aura though…deals were going down left and right, literally. Like 10 feet away from us.

It was cool though. John had interesting things to say. Sharon did as well. Julia was growing. Minju was gaining a dawning sense of realization throughout. I know I was definitely sensing the battle between light and darkness. And then Harry and Pastor Vega both independently confirmed that. We were praying for the people and the area and the other groups (and oh, Sam is definitely a witness to my prayer being answered, praise God) and against the forces that would oppose God. I prayed for salvation especially. John thinks it’ll be Lydia. I hope so. Gospel power.

And then we shared.

I won’t remember all the CMU people’s shared testimonies (and I definitely don’t remember much of the Cedarville group). It was still awesome though. People’s lives are being transformed as they work towards the harvest of God. Double vision! Wow. Katie’s and my visions were that people would be transformed and that they’d be some of the few workers in the plentiful harvest.

Kathy’s and Jason’s were so touching for me as a leader. John’s actions, as well. I think it’s so true that there is so much risk involved with being vulnerable and caring about people, but the reward is clearly so great.

And I just need to remember to focus on God and on others. Forget my self-interest and selfish pride. Leave it all behind.

Just for a moment, I want the world to know that there is one God, of love and justice, who sent his Son; and that Son lived a unique life of love and justice, died a unique death of redemption and atonement, and lives again in a unique resurrection of God’s power over sin and death. Drop your pride, turn to this God, and be saved.

2011-03-14T16:06:00.002-04:00

Day 1 (Sunday). Very chill, except church. Tried to sleep, but instead was awake. I need patience. Glad I could talk to Mom. I can’t believe the time is now…this. is. insane. I’m so afraid. I feel like I keep messing up—singing a song to [ ] was probably not a good idea, and then the hands comparison with [ ]. And then teaching [ ] and [ ] to play guitar. I’m so stupid. God, please help. Hosanna, Lord. And maranatha. Come quickly.

2011-03-14T16:06:00.001-04:00

I realized that there is a reality here that I don’t understand. A down-to-earth, up-to-heaven, real way that the saints here live their lives. I am beginning to realize that much of my faith is still focused on areas that people near my life would consider important. And that is still pride.

Also, as I stepped out into the streets, I understood that decisions are overrated. For me at least. Overanalyzed, overrated, overdone, whatever—I just need to get off my butt and do it. Stay in prayer, of course; stay in God’s will, yes; but God does not always require my wisdom. In fact, he never needs me to “know” what to do. Sometimes, it’s a leap of faith.

2011-03-13T23:33:00.002-04:00

Kathy: "I couldn't believe I was leading worship with a room full of prostitutes and drug dealers!"
Me, to John: "I don't think there were any drug dealers at Coffeehouse..."
Lydia: "One guy at Coffeehouse was sharing with me about how he used to kill people when he was a drug dealer!"

Me and my little faith; smh.

Watch this. Do it.

2011-02-26T00:19:00.002-05:00

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Whoops

2011-02-23T01:28:00.001-05:00

Orientation Counselor Application

The application deadline is Tuesday, February 22, 2011.

Please complete the Orientation Counselor Application and email to Anne Witchner.

PLEASE NOTE – If you do not return your completed application by February 22, we will not be able to consider you for an Orientation Counselor 2011 position.

SAD DAY. I would have been such a baller OC, if I do say so myself.

Something I read that ended up being a little more personal than normal.

2011-02-17T13:08:00.002-05:00

I'm going through the Bible in a year here.

I came across Matthew 27:51-66.

As for the death of Jesus:

I’ve read/heard/referenced this section so many times—we all know about the curtain tearing, the centurion being all o_O, Joseph burying Jesus in his own tomb, and the fearful chief priests and/or Pharisees setting the guard on the tomb. This is my favorite part now:

Many women were there, watching from a distance. They had followed Jesus from Galilee to care for his needs.

For one thing, the disciples all fled, so this was an impressive display of fearlessness on the part of these women.

The part that struck me more was that Jesus had people caring for his needs. Almost every other translation uses “minister”, which essentially means “serve”. I guess the NIV decided to interpret for us (admittedly, it is a small jump) and use “care for needs”.

Just yesterday night, I was talking with Jason and Alice and I exhaustedly let out, “I need a helper.” And I completely meant in the Adam and Eve, it is not good for man to be alone sense. I also said something like, “You can’t ask for that kind of commitment from someone who’s not your wife. Once you become husband and wife, that’s one thing—but when you’re just dating, you can’t expect someone to follow you as a man leads his wife.” But it’s clear to me here that Jesus has helpers who he wasn’t married to, and they were devoted to him. I don’t think they were always with him—some scholars suggest that they accompanied his missionary journeys around Galilee, and then made the final trek to Jerusalem—but it’s still an impressive display of compassion.

The flip side is that Jesus was probably super-edifying to be around, and he had the utmost respect and love for these women. Both of these things I have yet to live out with any consistency.

I've been super-busy with JN, Philly, and doing just enough schoolwork to stay afloat. On top of that, I'm still trying to become the man I'm supposed to be, and I'm still trying to stay involved in other aspects of ministry--IFA, ACF, even IV a little bit.

Learning to trust God for everything also means trusting God to work in other people.

Foreign Language

2011-02-15T13:48:00.003-05:00

Girl: How are you?
Boy: I'm ok.

Meaning: (1) Life is normal, and/or (2) I'm not going to volunteer the details of my normal life because (a) I am not that good at talking and/or (b) I don't even care about the details of my normal life.

Boy: How are you?
Girl: I'm ok.

Meaning: Life is disappointing, and I'm just waiting to see if you care enough to listen. If you don't care, that makes life more disappointing. If you do care, I probably won't tell you anyway, because you'll end up letting me down anyway, so what's the point? And maybe I'll misjudge you, and halfway through you'll be so obviously tuned out that it's insulting. Ugh, the world sucks.

"Teach Me to Love" (lyrics) -- Poor Rich Folk

2011-02-14T15:49:00.003-05:00

Is it true that You love pornstars the same as You love pastors?
Do You love the deadbeat fathers like You love their blameless bastards?
'Cause if that's true, then I need You to show me a thing or two.
I need You to teach me to love. Teach me to love.

Do You really love the prostitute like You love the faithful preacher?
Do You love the racist and the rapist like the Sunday School teacher?
'Cause if that's true, then I need You to show me a thing or two.
I need You to teach me to love. Teach me to love.

[Teach me to love.]

Do You love those who speak against Your Name and those that follow You exactly the same?
'Cause if that's true, then I need You to show me a thing or two.
I need You to teach me to love. Teach me to love.

[Teach me to love.]

Circumstances

2011-02-10T11:53:00.002-05:00

Where we are:

1. No producer => no way of knowing if we'll record with correct specs.
2. No definite time for recording.
3. No midis for The Answer/Now Unto Him.
4. No "good" time to record due to scheduling conflicts.
5. No one experienced with individual tracking.

6. No fears, no worries.

I'm not afraid; I'm not worried. We can do this, and we can't do this--it's just God, and that's it. Just God.

2011-02-07T20:41:00.002-05:00

When did I make it into Leviticus? Time flies when your reading is fun...

Enjoyment aside, I'm glad I'm reading about the Law right now. It's a refresher (last time I was in this place of the Bible, it was in 8th grade), and it's refreshing--I'm re-realizing the power of true sacrifice and the powerful implications of Jesus' death.

2011-02-07T01:03:00.002-05:00

Is everyone having weird dreams? I had a dream that was indicting. I watched myself sin as two people watched me (can't remember the two people). I just felt troubled. I've felt troubled all day.

I can sense the same fear that took my heart two semesters ago taking hold of me. I missed essentially all of church today, which sucks because I was really excited for Communion. I was just talking to Jason about how I was psyched for Communion! But I couldn't get up... I just didn't want to. I didn't want to get up, didn't want to shower... which was odd, because I felt fairly rested and I had showered the night before.

I feel like I'm under attack. All my long lasting struggles, all my buried sin, and all my weaknesses are coming back as accusations and assaults. I can't stand up under it. I need the armor to help me stand:

Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore...

Also, what does it mean to be "a man after God's heart"? Two completely unrelated people have said that to me, and I don't know what it means.

I looked up 1 Sam 13. In context, Samuel is saying to Saul that the LORD is taking away Saul's kingdom and giving it to "a man after [the LORD's] own heart". Saul had just tried to take matters into his own hands, so I guess the idea here is that David is someone who relies on God. What does this reliance mean? Why does it have to involve conflict?

I also looked up Acts 13:22 which took me to Psalm 89:20. Psalm 89 is about the covenant God established with David. David is God's servant, as God has anointed him to do that. Interesting--servant leadership model.

I had always heard from teachers back in high school that my heart was in the right place, but the way I showed it was problematic. I guess I'm still trying to understand ... people. Katie said something today relating to how I do things, about the difference between one thing and another thing, that I thought was pretty profound and unfortunately completely forgot. Bleh. I've been feeling troubled all day. This is pretty bad.

2011-02-06T02:23:00.002-05:00

Philly is making me more aggravated instead of more excited. Same for my BME project. I think the only reason I'm not on edge about JN is due to all the extraneous drama.

2011-02-03T22:36:00.002-05:00

I've been able to do a lot of work in my room. In my lowest moments last year, I only got things done far away from my room.

Amazing how much the simple circumstance of time and place can change everything. Or I guess, when we change, time and place starts to mean nothing.

2011-02-03T02:36:00.002-05:00

I'm all confused. People keep telling me to not worry about them. People also say not to be so hard on myself.

[thinking.]

Does this mean I'm supposed to just enjoy life again!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH except, it's all cold and windy and gray outside, and I'm super-busy.

[thinking.]

I kind of have no idea what to do. Jon is so right... haha I need a plan.

E-ncouragement (aka electronic spur notes)

2011-02-02T03:08:00.001-05:00

I was just so happy about how this happened that I thought I'd share. God is clearly working.

John,

Thanks for sharing those specific verses today at chil. I'm reading over this email and am amazed at how God works.

You may not believe this, but I had just read that passage earlier that day... however, I'm going through the Bible in a year. So how did I get to 2 Cor already?

Because I decided to go to IV prayer meeting for the first time this year, and we read 2 Cor 4 today! But wait...

I only was able to go to IV prayer meeting because a meeting that I should have scheduled earlier (it was originally for 4:30 Tuesday), got pushed to 5:30 because I was too slow, and someone scheduled over it.

And I decided to go to IV prayer meeting because I went to IFA prayer meeting [Sunday], and Jon Durstenfeld mentioned that IV had an extended prayer meeting (and I was like, ooh, I want to go).

And I only went to IFA prayer meeting [Sunday] because I had played basketball [Sunday], for the first time this year, and because of a conflict [Sunday] that I wanted to pray about before resolving.

And I only played basketball because I needed to blow off some steam from that conflict, and because I decided to be patient and give it some time before trying to resolve the conflict.

So basically, all these circumstances are pointing against me, but God is leading me through the rough terrain, turning what could have been evil into something amazing.

So thank you. I almost broke down when you read those verses. The Spirit is working in you, and in me.

Encouragement!

Grace and peace,
Benjamin Shimomura

Take this quiz-like substance!

2011-01-27T20:07:00.002-05:00

Take it!

I'm past the point where I expect complete honesty, but any time you put into helping your brother (or sister) is, I believe, edifying to the body.

Waffling

2011-01-25T02:21:00.002-05:00

I understand a little bit of why we're made the way we are.

(I've never read the book--just understood the premise--so what I'm saying might be in there somewhere.)

Basically, guys are like waffles. We have compartments, and we can prevent the syrup from running into the different compartments. We can hold our emotional lives in one place, and even split up our emotional life into different compartments. We can separate different aspects of a situation, and we can separate different aspects of our lives, like work, home, and church.

Girls are spaghetti. Everything runs together and touches. When you roll up some spaghetti on a fork, you don't get just one noodle--you get a bunch. One area of a girls' life will affect many of the other areas. A boy saying something nice can make schoolwork impossible; a sunny day on a campus visit can swing a decision to that university.

I've learned that one area of your life (especially spiritually) affects all the rest. I know that sin in one place does not sit; rather, it impedes and hinders development in other places. It's like a tree trying to grow with a nest of trunk-eating beetles embedded in its trunk. The beetles will slow growth in the branches, as well as hurt the trunk itself.

Spaghetti, therefore, seems to be a more accurate representation of real life. The problem (or so I hear from the females in my life) is that in "crisis situations"--when events and circumstances are unusual, disorienting, and/or trying--it becomes exceedingly difficult to carry on in other responsibilities.

Waffles, therefore, seem to be more adaptable. This is why guys are said to be unresponsive--which is actually neither a positive nor a negative. Our lack of responsiveness helps us when situations get crazy, because we don't go off the deep end. Instead, we recognize the challenge, break it into its components, and take on each component separately. When focusing on the big picture is just overwhelming, we can narrow our vision and compartmentalize an issue.

I'm tempted, so badly, to just waffle my issues at the moment. I think it needs some time anyway. I'm getting really productive though, because I'm throwing myself into my work to get away from the internal issues. That's not going to happen. I refuse to compartmentalize.

There is much to do, and so little time.

Praises and Tears

2011-01-24T00:45:00.005-05:00

I have an uncle.

His name is Peter. He has Down's syndrome.

He has Alzheimer's disease. He has obsessive compulsive disorder.

He has a litany of other conditions that I'm not sure about. He is 52 years old, exceptionally old for someone expected to die at 17.

He used to be pleased with life, and enjoyed living with us, which he had done for 12 years last October. Unfortunately, he had to go to the hospital because he had a seizure. It turned out that he's too combative and manipulative to live with us, not to mention he no longer has the balance to walk up or down stairs.

God showed Mom a (hopefully) great place for him to rehab, then transition into full-time care. It's just down the street, about a mile away.

Mom, after ministering to him in secret for so long--even as a young girl, she took care of her little brother (have to wonder what her three older siblings were doing)--

When he got peanut butter stuck in the roof of his misshaped palette, Mom would stick her finger in there and pry it all out.

When he got to be too much for my grandma and granddad, Mom decided she'd take him, and the family moved (and Dad drafted plans, bought supplies, and constructed by hand an addition especially for him).

And so much is better left unsaid. Once I literally gave him a shower, because he started to become afraid of water, so unless I stuck with him, he wouldn't do it. Do you think that's special? Do you think it's commendable? Focus on this:

Once. Ever.

Multiply that, more than by 365 days in a year, more than the hour-by-hour, not-too-far-back-in-the-mind knowledge that he might be up to something, more than the superhuman effort necessary to get him to do anything he didn't want to--

(Dad: "After practice [which is during Sunday school], it's too much of a hassle to get him to move from the sanctuary to the classrooms, so I normally just sit with him until church. But today, it was like, wait--he's not here--so I could catch most of Sunday school.")

--more than all of this, multiply it by the love of God poured out through my parents' whole lives, as they labored for one who couldn't repay and often ignored or outright rejected their attempts to love him. Overwhelmingly, the saints of God conquer, and the gates of hell will not overcome, because people, like my parents, realize that we're as helpless as a retarded man who can't stand up straight, can't be trusted not to wash his hands raw, and can't even control his own GI tract. It advances because people, like my parents, understand that our own lives really aren't that great, and that turning over lives to God's control is sacrificial worship in truth. It advances because people, like my parents, know that while we were helpless, at the right time, Christ died for the ungodly.

--Mom, after ministering to him for so long, has found her calling at this next season of her life. Can we praise God enough?

I got so emotional writing the big chunk above that it just took an incoherent turn, and I'm sorry reader, but deal with it.

And this post is one of many things on my heart. I'm just spilling over, and I don't know what the future holds, but the life I live, I live for God, and that's enough.

2011-01-23T14:04:00.001-05:00

Well, at least now I know where I need to improve. Now for some specifics...

2011-01-22T13:09:00.001-05:00

Step out of the boat in faith. After a decision, centering your actions on God ensure certainty without doubt. This is how we know that what we do is right.

What we post online,

2011-01-21T04:07:00.001-05:00

echoes of modernity.

When Your Accountability Partner Starts to Make Smart Remarks

2011-01-21T02:32:00.001-05:00

"I feel like that's something you could get behind. Reading--you like reading--and a plan."

2011-01-18T17:31:00.001-05:00

Yet another way to cry for someone to save us from being alone.

2011-01-18T12:14:00.001-05:00

I love TMQ:

On the only blitz sack, Patriots leading lead 3-0 and facing third-and-5 in the second quarter, the Jets showed an overload to offensive right. Brady called an audible to shift protection that way, then the Jets shifted the overload to the offensive left. Linebacker David Harris put his hand on the ground to become a defensive end, drawing the attention of left tackle Matt Light. Nickelback Drew Coleman came unblocked from Harris' shoulder toward Brady's blindside.

That play -- both the hit, and being outsmarted -- seemed to rattle Brady, who is accustomed to standing in the pocket combing his hair with no pass rusher near him.

LOL.

2011-01-12T17:07:00.002-05:00

Jaeson Ma posted on his blog last year about becoming a man, with regard to how real men treat women.

I liked this quote:

This is for the Christian guys out there, don’t emotionally rape a sister, play with her heart and tell her you are just her brother or friend. That is BS. Man up.

Not sure what to think of that, but his bluntness is refreshing.

2011-01-06T22:08:00.003-05:00

A benefit of consistency is that it's easier to figure out what's wrong. Feels a little scientific...

Forgive, Father. I see selfishness, pride, and lust coming out of my heart, spilling into my actions and interactions. I know you're deeper than this filth, and that perfection isn't here...even so, wipe out sin. Un-sin me.

For your name's sake, do this. Clear my mind. Purpose comes from your direction; wild flailing from my old habits.

I would be happy to see your love in me passed back to you. True joy is impossible to fake.

2011-01-04T23:55:00.001-05:00

Taxi 3637-40_HDRpsd
Originally uploaded by Stefan Beckhusen

Very well done.

When

2011-01-04T21:29:00.001-05:00

AP says doubt goes away when you're in God's will. John (the apostle) says similarly:

Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth. We will know by this that we are of the truth, and will assure our heart before Him in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight. This is His commandment, that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as He commanded us. The one who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. We know by this that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us.

Now that's a big chunk of text, but here's what I see, aided by last night's discussion (gah I wish I had a Pittsburgh small group like the MEFC young adults):

Sometimes "our heart condemns us" because we aren't assured that we're loving in deed and in truth. We feel like we're not doing enough to love people.
Confidence comes when we keep God's commandments. As Caleb Ku pointed out, to "keep" here means something like "to attend to carefully, take care of" (Strong's), which is a meaning that I suspect came out of its original sense of guarding something. So "keeping" doesn't imply that you have to build up over a long period of time--you can always start carefully guarding something. However, I suspect that the longer it goes on, the better you get at it (though it doesn't mean you can be careless!).
The commandment itself is pretty straightforward: believe Jesus, love people => love God. No big surprise here.
The Spirit lets us know just how well we're doing at guarding our valuable commandment of love. By placing trust in Jesus, we obey the commands of the Father, who gives us His Spirit to aid us. It's a perpetual motion machine of goodness.

@myself: Focus. There's the goal. It's a daily, weekly, hourly, monthly, minute-by-minute semester-long commitment to carefully caring for my relationship with God.
I'll be the farmer, who doesn't create the seeds, doesn't understand the complexity of the seeds, and doesn't see the immediate fruit of the seeds--and God will be God, who made an unbelievably beautiful world, and put his seed in me. Let's get to it!

2011-01-01T20:56:00.001-05:00

I find that the less often I practice the wrong ways, the more often I search for the right one.

"Every year, I think I get a little sadder."

2011-01-01T01:33:00.002-05:00

I'm continually saddened by two separations--
one sadness from my selfishness,
and one from my ignorance--
that people can become closer to God
because they move away,
and that Christians can be farther from God
because of each other.

"The end of all things is near; therefore, be of sound judgment and sober spirit for the purpose of prayer. Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins."

Seneca:

2010-12-26T19:48:00.000-05:00

"Let tears flow of their own accord: their flowing is not inconsistent with inward peace and harmony."

Such a Mess

2010-12-26T19:29:00.003-05:00

I am pacing around my house. [Currently resisting the urge to go all caps to reflect my mood. Really, I'm a mess.] The one person I want to talk to is kind of incapacitated. I feel kind of selfish for wanting to talk to her. I know she has to recover.

Today was an ok day though.
1. 6 am wakeup, did it all by myself. Gotta get in the habit of getting up early.
2. Church was pretty good. Personally, I could do with a little less interruption in the middle of songs, and a little less of the punches in the back and kicks in the shin, and a little more sermon, but all in all, I like church.
3. I ate a ton at lunch. Two (large) toasted ham and swiss sandwiches and a bowl of beef pot roast soup... such a nervous eater. I keep thinking of Kung Fu Panda, when he climbs up to the top shelf to get the almond cookies: "I eat when I'm upset, ok?!"
4. I made Christmas cookies! a little late, I know. But it's good to hang out with Em and her family... always an adventure.
5. SNOW!

From "So Much Love", by The Rocket Summer:

Hearts need a mind
Like a clock needs the time
Like white needs black
If you leave, I hope you need to come back.

2010-12-25T22:12:00.003-05:00

1. Wasn't feeling the usual synergy, AP, maybe because you're almost two life stages up on me.
2. You'll be fine.
3. Christmas. Jesus. Baby.
4. In the Passover/crucifixion in my devotions.

Talk about all over the place. Praises, all the same.

"Blessed be the name of the LORD."

Feeling Synergy

2010-12-24T12:20:00.002-05:00

"Reign in Us" -- Starfield
"Healer" -- Hillsong

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

You thought of us before the world began to breathe
And you knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we'd fall away from you
And how desperately we need to be redeemed

I trust in You
I trust in You

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me

Oh Great and Mighty One, with one desire we come
That you would reign, that you would reign in us
We're offering up our lives, a living sacrifice
That you would reign, that you would reign in us

Jesus You're all I need

Spirit of the Living God fall fresh again
Come search our hearts and purify our lives
We need your perfect love
We need your discipline
We're lost unless you guide us with your light

We cry out
For your love to refine us cry out
For your love to define us cry out
For your mercy to keep us blameless until you return

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

So reign, please reign in us
Come purify our hearts we need your touch
Come cleanse us like a flood and send us out
So the world may know you reign, you reign in us

"Baby King" (lyrics) -- Tim Be Told

2010-12-22T15:25:00.005-05:00

Bup ba-ah, bup ba-ah-ah,
Bup ba-ah, bup ba-ah-ah,
Bup ba-ah, bup ba-ah-ah,
Bup ba-ah, bup ba-ah-ah,
Bup ba-ah, [what shall I bring?] bup ba-ah-ah,
Bup ba-ah, bup ba-ah-ah,
Bup ba-ah, [what shall I bring?] bup ba-ah-ah,
Bup ba-ah, bup ba-ah-ah,
Bup ba-ah, [what shall I bring?] bup ba-ah-ah,
Bup ba-ah, bup ba-ah-ah,

The wise men heard the signs, found out where that baby lies.
Look carefully and pray; a star will lead the way; a star will lead the way.
What shall I bring for a baby king? Gold, myrrh and shiny things;
[ooh] What shall I bring [what shall I bring?] for a baby king? Gold, myrrh and shiny things;

[hmm, ooh, ho-ooh-oh-oh-oh.]
Bup ba-ah, bup ba-ah-ah,
Bup ba-ah, bup ba-ah-ah,

The heavens opened wide; the shepherds opened up their eyes.
Look up into the sky; hear the angels cry! Hear the angels cry.
What shall we sing for a baby king? Our loudest songs we bring;
What shall we sing for a baby king? Our loudest songs we bring.

Hallelujah!
Hallelujah to the one who has saved our souls;
Hallelujah to the child who is pure and holy.

[What shall I bring for a baby king?]
What shall I bring for my Lord and King?
I’ll give my everything;
What shall I bring for my Lord and King?
I’ll give my everything; [I’ll give you my all!]
What shall I bring for my Lord and King?
I’ll give my everything;
What shall I bring for my Lord and King?
I’ll give my everything; [I’ll give you my all!]
What shall I bring for my Lord and King?
I’ll give my everything.

Hyperventilation

2010-12-22T14:35:00.003-05:00

From my inbox:

Dear Student,

Your final grade for course 18290 in semester S10 has been changed. Grade changes are initiated by course instructors due to recalculations, additional work and/or information. Please review your new course grade and semester quality point average through Student Information On-Line, at http://www.cmu.edu/hub. If you have any questions about this grade change, please contact your teaching instructor.

Enrollment Services

I started hyperventilating from fear. I had a D... did it become an R? Backstory time!

Last semester (Spring '10) was pretty horrendous, and I collapsed at the end in virtually all my classes, including 18290. Anyway, the icing on the cake was that I missed the final exam by sleeping through it. After racing to get there before the professor left (I nearly overslept the entire exam), he offered me the chance to take the final exam for the class in the Fall '10 semester. I gratefully accepted.

Anyway, after taking the exam, I had a D in the class on SIO. Unfortunately this was pretty accurate. I kind of bombed everything in the second half, and I suspected my skills were rusty, so I probably didn't do that well in the final.

The reason 18290 is so important is manifold. It's my "gateway" course for my BME track; it's the core class for my desired ECE track; it's required to move forward in the ECE track I want. If I failed it, I would probably need an extra semester to graduate, not from volume of classes, but from the dependency of classes: 18290 -> 18391 -> 18491 -> 18551 (capstone).

Anyway, I checked SIO, and instead of my D, I got a B!

"What shall we sing for a baby king? Our loudest songs we bring! Hallelujah! Hallelujah to the one who has saved our souls; hallelujah to the one who is pure and holy!"

Arranging Notes

2010-12-15T18:11:00.004-05:00

Overview: These rules apply unless the specifics of the instrumentation are crucial to the song. For example, synth ambience is not crucial, while Mayer's guitar techniques are pretty much his career.

0. Do your research. Knowing the historical/temporal context is important--how does the song fit into other songs of the day? what was it trying to accomplish? how does it contribute to the specific album?

1. Own the riffs. Don't be afraid to modify them. Riffs are where you make your money: as long as it's still the original riff in terms of each chord's pitch center, then you're good.

2. Cut out simple stuff and put in vocal effects. Vocals are what you're good at! Don't waste time straining to imitate something mundane (such as a repeated electric guitar note) when you can achieve the same effect with something more natural.

3. Basses must be audible. Either up the pitch or mic the basses.

4. Get the beat right.

"Failure in Disguise" (lyrics) -- Jayesslee

2010-11-27T23:31:00.001-05:00

Have you ever felt like you were the only one on the road?
Have you ever wondered, "Where has everybody gone?"
Have you ever felt abandoned?
Have you ever felt alone?

Have you ever felt like just crying out for help?
And then did you wonder "Will they even understand?"
Have you ever felt a pain you could not bear?
But the world, it goes around just fine anyway.

Well I, I hear your cry,
And I, I feel your pain;
I know you try so hard
To make things right,
To overcome
This endless fight--
Just don't give up.

Have you ever felt like you just stepped over the line?
And then, did you just pretend that everything was fine?
Have you ever felt nobody knows who you are?
Have you ever felt like a failure in disguise?

Well I, I hear your cry,
And I, I feel your pain;
I know you try so hard
To make things right,
To overcome
This endless fight--
Just don't give up;
Just don't give up;
Just don't give up;
I won't give up.

When We Were Young

2010-11-27T16:42:00.002-05:00

We cared so much about the little things.

As we age, we care about different little things.

I remember thinking that Matthew Tkachuk was super-cool, and he had braces and smiled a lot, so I never had an issue smiling when I got braces.

One day, I'll see what reasons I have to smile; perhaps when my child lets me know of something deep within, something locked away--and my child, my child will care so much about this thing inside, and I'll care about my child being brave enough to tell me.

Could I be any more blessed?

2010-11-25T19:44:00.000-05:00

God is good. If you've been in my life at any point in time, God has used you to make me who I am now. I'm not perfect, and I'm still broken in some parts, but the people who've helped me along the way have stoked a fire within me that hasn't gone out. Former teachers, current teachers, people who look up to me, people I look up to, and everyone in between--all of you are infinitely valuable, so much so that you're invaluable. You all have a home in my heart, and I hope to see you in the end. God bless.

A New Era

2010-11-24T16:35:00.001-05:00

My brother and I have started a blog. It's less about us personally and more about what we think. We hope to expand on our view of the Bible and help readers get to know it a little better as well. May God be praised.

ECE HW

2010-11-12T05:10:00.002-05:00

This plot is not correct by a longshot.

Click to zoom.

2010-11-11T03:23:00.002-05:00

Learn from me; what has taken me years, you may learn in minutes.

There is no part of Scripture which does not apply to you.

Feeling the Need

2010-11-08T03:23:00.005-05:00

I haven't posted in a while, so I was feeling the need to write something.

It's been a busy couple weeks. It's been over 20 years since I popped out of my mom. I've been alive, physically, for a bit more than 20 years.

As for being spiritually alive: it was an ongoing process. We learned at CFW two years ago that there are about nine components to the gospel which are necessary for salvation. Something like,

1. God is holy, just, and loving.
2. God made the world.
3. We are sinful.
4. Sin leads to death.
5. [something about brokenness? I'm looking at the old photos in Nicole Carline's album, and it's not ringing a bell.]
6. Jesus' life was real, and he was perfect.
7. Jesus died to pay for sin.
8. Jesus rose to defeat death.
9. We must repent and accept forgiveness.

I didn't get all of these immediately--I distinctly remember around age five accepting Jesus because I knew I was a sinner and deserved hell, and I definitely didn't want that.

As I grew older, more abstract concepts grew into my life--like sin requiring sacrifice/death (2nd grade), Jesus' perfection--for a while I thought Job would work (4?th grade), and true repentance (9th).

As I age, and occasionally mature, I find that there are increasingly greater roles to be filled that are within my grasp. It's kind of what we're trained to do here at CMU, that is, to do the hardest thing you can, but really try to do something harder. It makes me want to grow, but it also limits the direction of my growth to what I can see in front of me, and it is a drain on my spiritual well-being when I find myself unable to attain to something I want.

What I mean by limiting the direction of growth is that I only aspire to grow where I can fill some need. In some ways that makes sense--in professional environments, managers want to construct teams that can get some job done, so they scout for workers to fill certain needs. However, I think focusing on the need at hand is, to reuse the word, limiting. If your goal isn't grand enough, and you achieve it, what then? It's like making the playoffs, but never making the World Series, because all you do is fill needs. Sometimes, you have to supersede the need and just pick the person who's the all-around best, or who brings a rare kind of talent or gift. There isn't one fruit of the Spirit that we should have; rather, the fruit of the Spirit is one fruit: love + joy + peace + patience + kindness + goodness + faithfulness + gentleness + self-control. They're all tied together. Moral of the story: Bottomline, increase in the Spirit for the Spirit's sake, not in kindness for kindness's sake.

[As an aside, talking with b.jou REALLY made me feel a need to rededicate myself to Scripture and to re-engage my mind in my spiritual life. I haven't felt that humbled since... oof, maybe ever.]

As for the drain: I notice that when I fail to be all I want to be, I backslide, which makes it worse. I catch myself, so to speak, only when I accept forgiveness--so really, I catch myself when I stop trying to catch myself and let God do it. I'm so headstrong and stubborn, rebellious to a fault, and an insatiable perfectionist.

A byproduct of being 20 is that I feel old. Thinking back to freshman year of high school, when I was 13 and 14: wow. A lot of life has happened. In twenty years, I hope to have at least seven kids. Spiritual kids counts too, if biological/adopted doesn't work out. But God's plans are God's plans!

Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.

Hatred, Part II

2010-10-23T02:45:00.003-04:00

I hate making mistakes.

This, and the previous post, show off the painful side of me: the piece of me where sin still dominates, where old habits live on like cockroaches, where I refuse to let God touch. I let God hug me, but I don't let him embrace me. I draw back when he goes for my entire body, because there's that hole in my side, that blasted out, scarred, wounded, sensitive, raw flesh in my side.

It's my pride.

If there's one sin I hold onto, it's my pride. I love to do things on my own, to prove I can do it. I love to do little work and yet still get good grades. I love to glorify myself, subtly, by not-quite-boasting about my double major/minor and not-quite-telling about my classroom struggles.

I hate being wrong too, because I make it a point to be right. It's part of my prideful persona to be right. I talk about letting mistakes go and learning from them, but I have yet to truly accept mistakes as a part of my life. I continue to live as if I could be free from error.

I think this is why failure has such a profound effect on my spirit. It drags me down because I refused to believe in it--sometimes, I continue to refuse to believe in it, which only leads to further failure--and when I am confronted by my inabilities, it shocks me to the core. This is part of what happened last semester. I considered my personal failures greater in magnitude than the LORD's personal goodness.

And yet, he is holy and willing to forgive. He is also very willing to blast to pieces if necessary. I would rather not go through that again, because I would like to think I learned from my errors.

There I go though--focusing on errors, mistakes, sins.

Where is the balance between hating sin and loving God? Grace, mercy, forgiveness--these are the most difficult things for me to deeply understand.

Hatred

2010-10-22T02:32:00.001-04:00

Something I hate, probably beyond all else, is being patronized.

Arranging Music

2010-10-18T15:57:00.002-04:00

# of arrangements of k items from n total items: n!/(n-k)!

# of arrangements as frustrating as this one: 0.

BLEH.

I think I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to justify my song choices. I want to make this song amazing so that I don't look like a jerk. But... I'm not really a jerk... I have my reasons for choosing, and I think they're good reasons. It's my responsibility to get this done. It's my experience; it's not my selfishness. I'm not being mean--I'm just doing my job.

-.- I am terrible at convincing myself anything.

I need a "shut up and do it" person in my life. Here's when I miss AP, because he actually knew what I was talking about with all this stuff, and he really knew my internal battles. Of course, he was not exactly a confrontational person. Eh, two of three isn't bad.

I guess this gets into my discipleship questions too. I had been holding off on a decision for a while; I was unsure of my motivations. Was I choosing to spend my time on discipleship because I was selfish? because I didn't want to look so stupid anymore? because I wanted to improve myself for my own sake? GAH. Then later, I realized that my potential discipler was very similar to my own dad. That's a big plus, because I've always felt that my dad has qualities that I really want, but that he has trouble communicating to me. However, my internal battles must cease before I dive into anything. I can't go in half-hearted. Not after last year.

I need someone who understands me. I need someone who wants to get inside my soul, inside my head--someone who will sit with me for hours and just listen, and then let me do the same. I need someone to love me.

All praise to You, my Father; your Spirit is within me, and I am in Christ Jesus. Praise upon praise! There will never be enough time and space to praise you. Can I be close to you?

Songs F10

2010-10-14T03:55:00.002-04:00

So far we have:

Let the Waters Rise
Sicut Cervus
The Answer

Near definites:

Healing Begins
Stand in the Rain

This leaves about four more slots.

We don't really have any songs a non-Christian would recognize--we're very niche, and the we'd like to hit a broader audience. The freshmen have also expressed interest in songs that are joyful, songs that reflect them well, and songs that can involve more than just a standard solo (or solos) and backup.

Currently the primary theme is the battle to change--change a lack of trust to complete faith, change thirst to satisfaction, change from searching within the self to searching for God, change shame into transparency, change from fearful running to defiant standing. The more intense fight songs--Healing Begins, Stand in the Rain, and Let the Waters Rise--have that epic feel. Sicut Cervus has a contemplative mood. And The Answer is a kind of post-battle rejoicing; when we figure something out, we're happy about it.

I think Hello Hurricane is going to happen. It pretty much hits each of our criteria, and it's pretty joyful--"you can't silence my love".

So that leaves three slots.

Potential:

from song dump:
Constant - House of Heroes
Only Hope - Switchfoot
Praise You in This Storm - Casting Crowns
Run to You, Light - The Rocket Summer
Hands Tied - Becca Jackson
In the Light - dc Talk (JN has actually done this in the past, but I suspect I'd re-arrange it)
Chariot - Gavin DeGraw
Born Again - Newsboys
After the World - Disciple
Man in the Mirror - Michael Jackson

from my head:
Tears of the Saints - Leeland
Ocean Wide - The Afters
Your Guardian Angel/My Heart - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus/Paramore
You Won't Relent (Seal) - Misty Edwards
How Long - da T.R.U.T.H.
Before the Morning - Josh Wilson
Beautiful Things - Gungor
When I'm Alone - Nevertheless

These last two songs are part of excellent albums.

I have quite a bit to think about! oh JN. Owning my life.

"Bloom" (lyrics) -- The Paper Kites

2010-10-13T20:10:00.008-04:00

Download legally and for free.

Or listen on Youtube.

In the morning when I wake
And the sun is coming through,
Oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness,
And you fill my head with you.

Shall I write it in a letter?
Shall I try to get it down?
Oh, you fill my head with pieces
Of a song I can't get out.

Can I be close to you?
Ooh-oo-oo-ooh, ooh (simile).
Can I be close to you?
Ooh, ooh.

Can I take it to a morning [sic]
Where the fields are painted gold
And the trees are filled with memories
Of the feelings never told?

When the evening pulls the sun down,
And the day is almost through,
Oh, the whole world, it is sleeping,
But my world is you.

Can I be close to you?
(Ah) ooh (aah), ooh (aah).
Can I be close to you?
(Ah) ooh (aah), ooh (aah).

*whistling*

Can I be close to you?
(Ah) ooh (aah), ooh (aah).
Can I be close to you?
(Ah) ooh (aah), ooh (aah).

Can I be close to you?
Ooh, ooh.

I Don't Like It

2010-10-06T02:37:00.002-04:00

After a night of Electromagnetics homework with five, almost six other people, let's blog.

So the Facebook campaign centered around "I like [my purse] ________" seems to be generating news.

I'm going to focus as factually as I can on the response. Of course, I will then say some opinion of my own, but that's because this is my blog, and I think people assume my opinion should be somewhere on my blog. Using Facebook Search for "I like it" yields:

Two of my friends from high school are mildly annoyed. "I don't see how its relevant or accomplishing its goal whatsoever. If the goal is awareness, wouldn't you want the message to be clear? Idk, it just confuses me"...

and

"Oh hey yea, I knew it was Breast Cancer Awareness whatever ... What did I think when everyone started saying "I like it on..."? To be completely honest I was NOT thinking about where your purse was, or breast cancer for that matter. Who comes up with this stuff..."

So I asked Google. Who came up with this stuff? No answer. It seems the creator is hidden... somehow this is just a "viral" status. But there was a definite plan: 1) it's October, "Breast Cancer Awareness Month" and 2) "i believe tomorrow is the correct day for that [status]. at least that's what i heard ;)" on September 30. It is similar to the previous "viral" status, in which women posted colors/patterns of their bras. Is it the Susan G. Komen Foundation? I couldn't find answers.

As for other responses: some guys changed their statuses, without even knowing what their statuses meant. They assumed the innuendo was the point: "im guessing girls are just very open these days".

One girl from my high school summed it up well:

"It's stupid is what it is."